


[WIP] We killed our Gods

by IFicAlot7



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F, Lesbians in Space, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IFicAlot7/pseuds/IFicAlot7
Summary: A slow burn romance between Lieutenant Torres, and Captain Janeway. Set during the second season
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 27
Kudos: 19





	1. Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Taken some Minor liberties with canon.

Janeway holds the photo of her fiance, running her pointer finger over his shape. Letting out a sigh, she resigns herself to pity for the evening. Sitting down on her couch she looks out to the stars. Thousands of light years from Earth, from her lover. She wouldn’t see him again for decades if she was lucky, of course there was always the chance she could be killed out here, by Kazon or any new lifeform the ship encounters.

"Mark..." she mutters.

He was the only man she could let her guard down with, where she wasn't a Starfleet Captain. She was just Kathryn Janeway with him. With Mark on her mind she begins her nightly spiral, thinking of all the ways she and her ship could be marooned or worse destroyed in the Delta Quadrant. If she were in the Alpha quadrant, she would be appreciating the beauty of the stars around her, but this evening, in the Delta quadrant, all she can feel is yearning, and loneliness. Not just for Mark, but for any human intimacy at all. She was the captain, she was to maintain some lack of familiarity to the crew. Or else that may lead to complications, especially regarding questions regarding command. It was a part of why she allowed herself to fall for Mark so quickly, he was a civilian. 

Her bedroom door chimes, which isn't unusual for the evening, Chakotay often made visits to eat dinner with her or just to chat.

"Come." Janeway says as she stands up, placing the photo on the table in front of her.

To her surprise it’s her Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres, and not her first officer. B’Elanna was the department head she most often butted heads with; she could be argumentative and downright rude, but there is just a genius in her that she didn’t have with her Starfleet crew. Making her chief of Engineering was a decision she did not regret, especially since her adjustments to the warp engines had vastly increased fuel efficiency in the warp core. Meaning the ship had to take less detours for refueling.

Clearing her throat to ease the tightness that had grown since she began thinking of Mark. "Lieutenant, what is it you need?" she says. 

The half Klingon lets out an exasperated sigh and says "Carey's been on my back again. I think he still has a problem with me being Chief." 

It had been over a year aboard Voyager and B'Elanna was still chafing against some of the Starfleet crew. Her manner didn’t help in that regard. In fact she had punched lieutenant Carey in the face when she first came aboard. Janeway would like to think B’Elanna has moved past assault when clearing up a disagreement, but she couldn’t be sure. She saw how B’Elanna would clench her fists during senior staff meetings when decisions didn’t go her way, she didn’t hide her anger well. That was the klingon half Janeway thought. The lieutenant had made many friendships with Starfleet personnel on the ship, Janeway knew that B'Elanna and Carey simply needed to set aside their differences and work together. They were both brilliant in their fields. Having her as chief over Carey was more of a moral choice than any sort of tactical one. It was a show of trust to the Masquis crew members.

Janeway sighs "I thought you had that taken care of Lieutenant. When I chose you for the role of Chief, I had expectations that you could smooth over the differences you had with the Starfleet crew, Carey most especially." She walks closer to the Engineer, sweeping her hands along her uniform, to straighten it out. Trying to appear more in control than she may have appeared.

"It is not my fault captain!" The engineer blurted out "He doesn't respect my authority as Chief of Engineering. Starfleet academy this, his service record that. I'm sorry captain, I just don't know what to do." B’Elanna looked up at the captain. “He seems like a lost cause to me.”

Janeway places her hand on Torres' shoulder, squeezing gently she smiles "I'm sure you're more than capable of handling this on your own lieutenant. After all, it is your department." 

The touch somehow felt more than a friendly way of reassuring B’Elanna. She could feel the tone of the other woman’s shoulder, and the warmth of her body through her uniform. 

"Captain I-" The half klingon begins to blurt out.

Interrupting Janeway tightens her grip on the other woman’s shoulder. The captain nearly closed her eyes simply to enjoy the feeling of someone else’s warmth, but she wouldn’t allow herself to be distracted by her impulses. Straightening up, she takes a deep breath.

"Lieutenant, must I remind you that we are lost here in the Delta quadrant. I can't file Carey away for reassignment. Figure it out. I know you’re more than capable of handling complex engineering problems. You can handle a minor social problem." Using the opportunity to mildly reprimand the engineer to distract herself from what was brewing inside of her. She releases her grip on B’Elanna’s shoulder and nods at her.

"Aye captain." B'Elanna concedes "Goodnight captain."

"Goodnight lieutenant." Janeway watches as the engineer leaves. As the residual warmth from B'Elanna's shoulder fades away, she regrets not asking B’Elanna to stay. She knew she shouldn’t, she has a duty to this ship. She couldn’t throw that away just to sate her own feelings. The captain finds herself sitting at her couch staring into the stars, yearning yet again but for who she couldn’t quite say.


	2. Afterthoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> B'Elanna heads back to engineering..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignoring feelings for work, what a mood

B'Elanna made her way back to engineering through the corridors outside the captain's quarters. When she enters the relative privacy of a turbolift she gently runs her fingers over the shoulder that Kathryn had touched. She had wondered why the captain had touched her this way, she had done it in the past but this time she felt there was more behind it. The captain had looked more forlorn than usual but she chalked that up to the fact that the captain was in her quarters after a shift. It couldn’t have been too long because the captain was still in her uniform. B’Elanna’s thoughts shifted to what that captain would wear if she weren’t in her uniform. She had seen her in civilian clothes before, sure, but those were for away missions, she wanted to know what the captain wore in private, if anything. Before she could ponder more about the feelings that bubbled up inside her, the doors opened into engineering.

The hum and the glow of the warp engines are enough to take her attention away from the captain. She closes her eyes for just a moment to soak in the sounds and sensations in the room, it always puts a smile on her face. This department had become her home in the last year or so that she's been aboard. She had made many friends, even with Starfleet officers. She had underestimated the Starfleet crew at first, but she has come to rely on them. Lieutenant Carey though, had made it known that he wasn't over being snubbed for Chief Engineer, by a Masquis of all people. He would undermine B'Elanna's authority, leave shifts with work unfinished, and he would ignore the chief’s rank opting for a more casual form of address. She had attempted to smooth over the animosity between them previously and failed, but now she had no choice in the matter. She had to work this out with him. 

"Lieutenant Carey!" B'Elanna yells in the vague direction of his work station "In my office please!"

She turns into her office and stands behind her console. B'Elanna braces herself for the next couple of minutes, this won’t be easy. It never is. She had never been good at one on one conversation, preferring to be alone. Being made Chief had made alone time, especially at work far less common.

Carey walks into the office "Yes Torres?"

"That's Lieutenant Torres thank you" reprimanding Carey for disrespecting her rank. "I asked you in here to tell you that the captain has ordered me to..." taking a deep breath before saying "repair our relationship."

Carey lets out a laugh, "You can't be serious.”

B’Elanna cuts through his laughter "We can do this the easy way, you can get your act together, or I can put you on report. Your choice." 

The engineer holding back her anger clenches her fist and pushes down on the surface of the console. She was wary of putting any Starfleet officer under report, in case it caused strife between the two crews, but she had grown tired of Carey's games. His flagrant and casual disrespect. His snide remarks about how she acted, who she associated with. Worst of all he questioned her command decisions. She’d hoped that his fellow crewmen had taken note of how insubordinate and obstinate he had become, and not cause much of an uproar if he had to be placed on report.

Carey, in an uncharacteristic act of deference towards the woman, straightening up and taking a more submissive stance "I apologize Lieutenant, smooth sailing from here on out."

B'Elanna raises her eyebrow and asks "You're not going to question my command?"

"No sir." slightly shaking his head.

She walks over to him and extends her hand for a handshake. "Thank you Lieutenant Carey you may return to duty." Extending the first olive branch.

"Aye sir." Carey leaves the chief’s office without shaking her hand. 

She watches as the man returns to his duty station from the glass in her office. slowly moving her hand down to her side she returns to her own console and begins tapping the screen bringing up a diagnostic of the warp engines and the EPS relays. She notes that the warp coils need realignment, an easy but time consuming task. Finally, a bit of work to do and not more conversation she thinks. She stands up and enters Engineering proper. 

"Is anyone realigning the warp coils?" She shouts out.

She gets no answer and shrugs "Guess I'll do it" 

While B'Elanna works her mind wanders to her interaction with the captain. B'Elanna absentmindedly rubs the shoulder that the captain had touched, feeling a ghost of a sensation there. Why was she still even thinking about it, she had many private encounters with the captain on issues regarding command structure, or engineering problems, why was tonight any different? Was it seeing the captain in her living quarters? She had sensed something more than that. A small tug between them. It had made no sense to her, clearly the captain was loyal to her fiance. Sure, she may engage in some romantic holosuite programs, but that wasn’t the same as real human interaction. Some crewmen gossiped that the captain had a secret relationship with Commander Chakotay. From what she knew of the man, he wasn’t looking for anything, especially after what happened with Seska. Perhaps the captain was missing home, or relationships that were deeper than work. Maybe that’s what she wanted from the engineer, something deeper. 

She shook her head and sharply exhaled refocusing back on her work with the warp coils. This was a minor issue, something a Starfleet chief would relegate to a lower ranking officer but B'Elanna enjoyed the busy work, and how it took over her mind and allowed her to forget the world around her. This was especially helpful in the Masquis, she could just put her mind to some engineering task, and she would forget all about the atrocities she had seen. The children she had seen killed by Cardassian soldiers, or the friends she had lost fighting in the Badlands, and worse things she wished she could forget. Engineering was her distraction, and roughing it with the Masquis gave her plenty of opportunity to tinker. It’s not easy in the masquis, she didn’t have a full team working with her. Finding solutions to problems that only she could answer. It wasn’t like she had anyone to talk to. Even now, she wouldn’t speak about what she saw, not even to her fellow Masquis crewmen, it was too hard. 

Before she knew it her work and her shift were over and she was tired. She says goodnight to the officers on duty before leaving, noting that Lieutenant Carey was not at his station despite his shift not ending for another hour. She had half the mind to drag him back into engineering, wherever he was, but she felt that would be too kind. Maybe she wanted to watch Carey fumble his way into being demoted. 

In her quarters B'Elanna grabs her silk sleeping clothes and enters the sonic shower. She undresses and recycles her uniform before turning on the shower. The sound waves relaxed her muscles which were tight from stress more than any physical labor she’d been doing in engineering. A few moments of relaxation pass before visions of the captain re-enter her mind. She imagined her captain pulling her closer and leaning so her lips lightly grazed B’Elanna’s neck, almost feeling the warmth of her breath the engineer ran her hand over her neck. Her heart races, and she realizes she’s letting her mind run amok. Shaking her head and letting out a small growl in an attempt to cut off those thoughts, and turning off the sonic shower. She leans against the walls of the room and waits for her heart rate to return to normal. The captain is her superior,and as far as she needed to know she was in a relationship and absolutely not an option. 

She dresses and leaves the shower, stopping by the mirror to remove her makeup. She looks into her own eyes looking for an answer to why she was now thinking about the captain this way. Getting none, she leaves the bathroom and lies down in bed. Hoping for sleep, she gets the opposite, her mind again focuses on the captain. Wondering if the captain was also thinking of her.


	3. Complaints.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The captain has a rough morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is enough for tonight!

Kathryn had woken late, she didn't have time to make her cup of coffee in her quarters before heading to the bridge. She was already feeling a bit rough around the edges and all she could think about is the warm drink being replicated in her ready room. The turbolift doors open making eye contact with the door to her ready room, she takes a step towards it before being intercepted by Ensign Kim.

"Captain! Good morning." He chirped out. 

She inhales trying to mask her immediate frustration towards this obstacle. He meant well she thought.

"Good morning Ensign." She takes another step, and Harry's body matches her. 

"Captain if I may, I've been working on something I think you'd like to hear about." He says nervously.

She stops and concedes, there's no way getting around this. Not wanting to hurt the ensign's feelings of course. It would be rude to cut him off just to make a run for her ready room. 

"B'Elanna and I..." He begins.

Immediately her focus is drawn inwards and away from the young man. Hearing that name this quickly into her day isn't convenient. She had only spent about half the night thinking about her. How her heart quickened when she laid her hand on the other woman’s shoulder. How she wanted more.

"...holo-emitters around the ship..." Harry continues.

It was the first time she had thought about someone else other than Mark since coming to the Delta Quadrant. She shook it off as over tiredness and an overactive mind. Her attention drawn back on Ensign Kim. 

"I just wanted your permission to go down to engineering in the last half hour of a few shifts so I can work this out with Lieutenant Torres'' he finishes.

Feeling bad for not paying attention to what he had obviously prepared for her she says "That seems reasonable Ensign. Report to me any progress you make." 

He smiles, "Thank you captain! May I start today?" 

Already wanting this interaction to be over she starts walking and says "Sure Ensign. Just be sure to make this a productive use of your time"

She doesn't turn to see his reaction. But she knows it was one of mild embarrassment. Harry was young and not yet fully adjusted to being a bridge officer. She had grown to like him, his naivety was a welcome change from the dour attitude the other officers on the bridge had about their predicament. Making her way down from the top level of the bridge and towards her ready room she tactically avoids major bridge officers. She makes note that Tuvok, her most veteran of companions, does not look up from his console. He understood her she thought, do not disturb until caffeinated. Passing behind the command chairs where Commander Chakotay is at work filling out some sort of report. Hoping this means he hasn't noticed her she walks a little faster towards the other end of the room.

"Ah, Captain." The commander smiles. "Good morning. I wanted to- " 

Anticipating his next response she held out her hand. "Commander whatever it is, have it sent to my ready room. I'll handle it in there"

Chakotay frowns "Aye captain."

Making it into her ready room she slouches over the replicator. 

"Computer, coffee." The coffee materialises and the captain savors her first sip before making it towards her desk.

She punches her security codes into her console and begins to read reports, crew logs, sensor data, and other such details. Before she knew it Chakotay had forwarded over the report he was working on. It was a crewman complaint against her Chief Engineer. Leaning back in her chair she sighs, what did B’Elanna do this time, not hitting crewmen she hoped. The man who had filed the complaint was Lieutenant Joseph Carey, of course. He complained that Torres was abusive to crewmen, regularly chewing them out, and assigning menial tasks to Starfleet officers. She hoped that she could pass this back onto Chakotay, not wanting to be alone with the engineer, at least not for the moment. She had a lot on her schedule recently. She missed her weekly trip to the holodeck and now one of her senior staff was receiving complaints.

Tapping her combadge “Commander please report to my ready room.” Resting her elbows on the surface of her desk she holds her face in her hands.

“Aye Captain” he responds. 

The doors to her ready room open, and her first officer enters. 

“What is it you needed?” He joked.

“Commander how could this happen?” She immediately begins questioning him. It was his idea to make B’Elanna chief engineer afterall. “You told me this sort of thing wouldn’t happen. That Lieutenant Torres could handle this.”

“Captain, please.” he attempts to calm the captain “I don’t believe it’s serious.”

“You don’t believe it's serious?” she repeats back to him in an aggressive tone. She stands up “Commander, this is serious. A crewman doesn’t just file a complaint on a whim.”

“That’s exactly what it is, captain!” he shouts back, obviously defensive about the half klingon. “Torres spoke with him in her office last night, she told me it was simply a conversation between a commanding officer and a lieutenant.”

Janeway grits her teeth, she is growing tired of these games. She knew the other woman was aggressive and had issues with Starfleet. Especially when it came to other engineers. Keeping a distance between her and Chakotay she paces around her ready room.

“You’re telling me, commander, that an officer with a spotless Starfleet record is lying?” She interrogated. “That he would lie about an officer, who I might add punched him in the face?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, captain.” He asserted.

He had confidence at the very least, but was it misplaced the captain mused. Was he only listening to the words of his friend over the words of another officer. Chakotay had shown preference for the Masquis crew, the most distasteful example lies in his relationship with the former crewman Seska. The Cardassian who had fooled even him into thinking she was Bajoran, had used her sexual and romantic influence over Chakotay and came near to destroying Voyager. Her turn towards the Kazon was one of the most stress inducing revelations that Voyager has had in the Delta Quadrant. 

Letting out a strained sigh, “What do you think I should do about this?” still pacing the captain gesticulates with her words.

“I think you should speak to B’Elanna.” He shifted awkwardly on his feet. “Get her perspective.”

“Not Lieutenant Carey’s?” The captain almost shouted. 

“His perspective is in the report, sir.” taking a more detached way of speech, he had hoped that she wouldn’t direct her anger onto him.

“This is the opposite of what I need right now.” she slowed her pacing down and began rubbing her temples again. “Just the opposite.”

Before Chakotay could respond the captain straightened up and authoritatively said “You are dismissed, commander.”

As Chakotay leaves, Kathryn sits at her desk again and takes a sip of her coffee. This is going to be a longer morning than she expected. She enjoys the moment of silence in her ready room. Her mind wanders, and she thinks about Mark again. Wondering if he still thinks of her, or if he’s already moved on. When she’d first met Mark he’d made her heart skip a beat, and just like that she was in love with him. Nobody since has made her feel that way, other than last night. She shrugged it off thinking that it had just been because she had been thinking of him when the half klingon woman came to her quarters. She stops her mind from thinking too much about last night by tapping her combadge for the second time this morning.

“Janeway to Torres.” The captain said cooly.

“Yes captain?” The engineer responded.

“Met me in my ready room.” Kathryn ordered.

“But captain I-” 

Kathryn already thin on patience barked back. “That’s an order Lieutenant”

“Aye captain” B’Elanna submits.


	4. Wanting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote most of this last night when I couldn't sleep, hope you enjoy! I have also edited the first two chapters!

"Aye captain"

B'Elanna was in the jefferies tubes above deck twelve fixing a plasma relay when the captain ordered her to appear in her ready room. She huffs in annoyance, she was attempting to inform the captain she was doing repairs before she interrupted. She hoped her meeting with the captain wouldn't take too long. Wanting to fix this relay before lunch. Even so she packed up her tools, taking note to make sure she didn't leave anything behind. With another huff for good measure she begins to climb upwards on the ladder towards the closet outlet. If she wasn't disheveled and sweaty before, she was now. Reaching a panel she pushes it open. As she crawls out she realizes she's in a deck hallway and quickly scrambles up before someone sees her. Gently placing the panel back on the wall and standing up. She straightens out her uniform and tries to fix her hair. If only the captain had given her some time, she would have returned to quarters and taken a sonic shower. A cloth to the face at the minimum. No, of course she had to go in front of the entire bridge crew and show off how unprofessional and dirty she looked before reaching the captain's ready room. Walking faster than usual towards the turbolift, B'Elanna began biting her tongue to quell her anger that was already building inside. The captain couldn't even let her finish her sentence. Gripping the tool case handle tighter. Now all the people she respected had to see her looking like she had stopped taking care of herself.

So focused on controlling her anger she doesn't notice that Neelix has seen her in the hallway and has come to speak with her. She tries to hold out her hand to ask him to leave her be, but he begins speaking before she could. 

"Lieutenant Torres! My favorite half klingon!" He beams.

"Neelix I'm on the way to see the captain, what is it?" she snapped.

"The captain!" The smaller man gleefully responds back. "I was just about to ask you about her." Looking up to avoid firing her anger towards neelix she groaned 

"Yes Neelix?"

"Well you see in a few days we'll be heading towards Botha space. Not many reports of ships making it out of there. " Still in his upbeat tone that was unique to Neelix. Neelix may be jealous and a little overbearing, but he was always optimistic. That was something she admired and envied about him.

Reaching the turbolift doors she deadpans "I'll tell her about it." And before he could respond she said "Bridge" and the doors closed.

She closes her eyes and braces herself to enter the bridge. The turbolift whirring she loses herself in the sound. The mechanics of everything on this ship made noise, and B'Elanna could hear them sing. Just as she's about to touch the edge of relaxation her eyes widen. The bridge crew aren't the only people who are going to see her like this. The captain will too. In a rush she tries hopelessly to straighten out her uniform and rub out stains with her free hand. The doors open and she shakes back into focus walking into the bridge.

To her surprise it seems nobody noticed her aside from minor greetings. This eased her anxiety and her anger slightly. She walks up to the captain's ready room door, she takes a deep inhale to prepare herself. Reaching out her hand to touch the door chime she feels a pressure in her chest. One she hasn't felt before on Voyager, one she couldn't explain. Her finger presses the chime. 

“Enter" is the response she gets.

She takes a deep breath in and walks forward as the doors to the captain's ready room opens. The captain was sitting at her desk, looking at her console, and cradling a mug of coffee. B'Elanna felt her anger rise again; she was in the jefferies tubes while the captain reclined in her office and sipped on coffee. But her anger is overpowered by the pressure building and her pulse slamming against her neck. The captain doesn’t look up from her console, but B’Elanna could still see her blue eyes. Her knees go weak.

"You wanted to see me captain?" She says nervously. 

"Yes Lieutenant. " A silence hangs in the air.

"Captain?" B'Elanna attempted to speed this up. That relay isn't going to fix itself.

Snapping to attention the captain stands up. "Lieutenant Torres. I'm afraid there's been a complaint filed against you." 

B'Elanna's anger immediately reacting "From who!?" She scoffs "Was it Neelix?" She had made a scene in the mess hall a few days prior which ended up making quite a mess. In her defense Neelix was attempting to touch her ridges, again. 

The captain, visibly stressed moves out from behind her desk and sits cross legged on the edge of it 

"No it wasn't Neelix." She stated. "It was Lieutenant Carey'' 

An even more animated shout comes from B'Elanna "What?!" She paces and motions with her free hand, "I only just spoke to him last night! Is that why Chakotay asked me this morning about my talk with Carey in my office?" B'Elanna's anger tightens in her jaw. This is why Carey wasn't at his post last night. Why he acted so calm when she said was going to put him on report. He wanted to take her down with him.

Janeway remained quiet, drinking her coffee. Her eyes follow the half-klingon’s body as she paces between set areas on the floor.

"I didn't say anything untoward last night!" She continued "I simply told him he needed to get his act together or I would put him on report. There was nothing more. I don't even recall being particularly angry."

As if on cue the captain stands up placing her mug on the desk. "B'Elanna, please." She captain pinches her nose, she says "I just want to get this over with quickly. I have a lot of work to finish today."

B'Elanna confused stops pacing and turns towards the captain. "How do you mean?"

"I can see you've been working just as hard as I have this morning" pointing to B'Elanna's uniform. "I've never seen Lieutenant Carey's uniform with plasma burns."

B'Elanna blushes not knowing why the captain's sudden complimentary attitude was eliciting that from her. She could swear she was almost bashful. She avoided the captain’s gaze, it was becoming too much.

"Carey's always been a bit of a sore loser B'Elanna. I'll have Chakotay handle it. '' Kathryn smiles. Stepping closer to the engineer. 

B'Elanna looked back at her superior. Her hair was done up in a loose bun, and her uniform unlike her own was clean. Taking in the captain's smile, and how soft her skin looked. She could smell the perfume the captain was wearing, she never wanted to stop smelling it. How she wished she had the courage to reach out and touch her cheek. 

"Thank you captain." B'Elanna forced a smile "I didn't expect that." 

The captain, she realized, was closer to her than she thought, before she could react Janeway's hands were moving upward, gently grasping B'Elanna's upper arms. "I appreciate a chief engineer who can get their hands dirty." 

Janeway's fingers pressed gently against her skin. B’Elanna could feel the softness of her fingers even through her uniform. Their eyes met again, something in the captain’s eyes told B’Elanna that she wanted more, she wanted her. The half-klingon has the urge to lean into it, and lay a kiss on her captain’s lips. She was blushing again, but she didn’t break her gaze with Kathryn. The engineer takes a deep breath to steele herself, but before she could act on the impulse growing in her chest the captain let's go and turns her back on the Lieutenant. Moving back towards her desk severing the tension between them yet again.

"You are dismissed Lieutenant." the Captain says barely above a whisper.

B’Elanna stood in silence for a beat before swallowing, hard. “Aye Captain.” 

She turned back towards the ready room doors, they hissed open and she was back on the bridge.

“B’Elanna! Hey!” Ensign Kim calls out to her from the ops console. Smiling and beckoning to her, it seems she wouldn’t get back to the solitude of that plasma relay as quickly as she wanted.

“Harry, what is it?” She put on a smile. Hoping nobody, especially Chakotay, would notice her anxiety after leaving the Captain’s ready room.

“The Captain approved our idea for putting holo-emitters around the ship for the doctor.” Harry says excitedly.

“That’s great, Harry! When will you be coming down to Engineering?” She asked.

“Right after this shift.” he responds to her. Harry was excited about this, it was his idea after all he just needed her help with the finer mechanical details.

“I’ll see you then.” B’Elanna waves as she enters the turbolift. “Deck twelve.” The doors close shut behind her.

Alone again in the whirring of the turbolift she leans on the wall and lets out a large sigh. She was confused, why had the captain seemed to suddenly take her side, and why did she have that look in her eyes, that look of wanting. In an attempt to assuage the tightness in her chest she looks down at her feet and slows her breathing. She focuses on the sound of the turbolift. The music of it’s machinations allow her to forget her anxiety, and for a moment, even the captain.


	5. Sleepless nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The captain can't escape her feelings at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always loved the way the stars looked through the windows in the mess hall.

Kathryn slips into bed, Exhausted after another relentless day in command. She stretches her whole body to ease the soreness in her muscles. Looking up towards the ceiling of her quarters, images of Mark come to her. Their first kiss, the way he smiled when he saw her, his proposal, filling her not with happiness and joy anymore, but pain, and loss. She remained hopeful in the first months of Voyager’s journey but as those days dragged on the hope slowly leaked out of her. By the time she got home, either one of them was bound to be dead. She felt tears come to her eyes and she rolled onto her side. She wipes away the tears before they could brew into something bigger. She swallows and tries to divert her attention to her coming work day. It seemed endless, constantly thinking strategy on how to fight the Kazon, trying to find alternate faster paths to the Alpha Quadrant, learning about this completely foreign region of space from Neelix, and someone always had a project they wanted her eyes on. She closes her eyes and sleep comes to her easily, anything to escape thinking about work, and Mark.

-

She had dinner with her first officer the next evening, Chakotay spent the entire time talking about the situation with Lieutenant Carey. Her only time for relaxation was being taken over by work, and she was getting more frustrated the longer he spoke.

Eventually she told Chakotay that she wanted to turn in early. He conceded and left before finishing his meal. 

All she wanted was some respite, someone to talk to, but her sense of duty held her back. She couldn’t unload her burdens on the crew. This was her fight and hers alone. Appearing weak to her crew, a crew that she knew still had issues with being under Starfleet command. If word spread that the captain was more focused on a man thousands of light years away she’s sure atleast one of the Masquis crew will use that as a justification to sabotage the ship. 

In bed later that evening her exhaustion overrules her feelings and sleep washes over her like a cold wave.

-

In the early morning hours Kathryn makes her way down to the mess hall. When she got there it was empty and unlit. Just the way she liked it. She sat in a chair facing the large windows on the side of the mess hall. The stars whizzing past like silver tails. She always found the stars more enthralling from the larger windows. She could see more of them. Their beauty was undeniable. She could forget where she was for a moment and just gaze in awe. 

The doors to the mess hall hiss open and Kathryn turns her head to see who else could be up this late. When her eyes adjust to the light she realises that it's B'Elanna she can just about make out the gold shoulders of her uniform. 

"Captain? Is that you?" B'Elanna said into the darkness. 

"Indeed it is." She replied. 

"Why are you here so late?" The engineer moves forward towards her captain. 

Kathryn laughs "I guess the same reason you are." Shrugging, "I can't sleep."

Sitting next to the captain B'Elanna whispers, "I worry about you, you know."

Kathryn turns her head to face the lieutenant. She looked up into those big chestnut coloured eyes, and she stopped breathing. She had never truly looked into her eyes before this moment. Why had she never noticed how enthralling she was? Kathryn felt as if her entire body was gasping, and an uneasiness grew in her belly.

"B'Elanna I-" she puttered "You don't have to worry." breaking their gaze by shaking her head and turning back towards the stars. "I'm just overworked at the moment."

She felt the heat hit her cheeks. She runs her hand over her face to bring some cool. The engineer's gaze was too much, she couldn't handle it right now. Looking down the cliff not knowing if there's water at the bottom, Kathryn wasn't ready to jump. 

"You can always talk to me." B'Elanna whispers reassuringly. Her hand gliding over Kathryn's, gently grasping it. 

Janeway gasps but doesn't withdraw her hand. She might not be able to jump, but B'Elanna had all the power to pull her in. 

"Thank you, Lieutenant." the captain whispers back. "I might take you up on that offer."

"Of course." The engineer leans closer, "anything for you."

She looks back at B'Elanna, their faces inches apart. This time her gaze focused on B'Elanna's lips. She felt a cool wash over her body. She needed more. She just couldn't do it herself. She only needed a little push. 

"Kiss me." Kathryn purrs. 

She felt B'Elanna lean closer. Closing her eyes in anticipation. Her heart beat imperceptibly fast. 

The mess hall doors hiss open. The captain immediately stands up and straightens up her uniform. Clearing her throat and standing with her hands behind her back. The Captain was back on duty. 

Neelix calls out "Computer! Lights please!"

The lights click on. The Talaxian sees the two women and yelps. 

"I didn't see you all there! You scared the hairs off my cheeks." He laughs. 

"Good morning Neelix. Sorry to startle you, Lieutenant Torres and I were just discussing her work in engineering with the holo-emitters." 

"Ah yes. I heard about that. Such a nice idea. To let the doctor go to different areas of the ship…" the Talaxian continued

Kathryn watched as B'Elanna left the mess hall as Neelix spoke about why he thinks the doctor should have emitters in the mess hall. The moment was gone, and Kathryn felt her heart sink. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Talaxians.


	6. Percistence of Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An alien races gives the crew visions of their deepest wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was based on the episode in season two called Persistence of Vision. 
> 
> I had fun playing around with it. I hope you enjoy it.

B’Elanna had distracted herself with her work with Ensign Kim, holo-emitters were complicated and gave her enough to work with so that her mind did not wander to places she didn’t want it to go. From what Harry told her the Captain was very on edge recently, B’Elanna had made an effort not to be in situations where the captain was involved. That night in the mess hall was too much, she felt determined to let this go. She may be trapped on this ship with that woman, but she wasn’t trapped into wanting her. Today she couldn’t escape her, Harry pushed hard to show Janeway the progress they’d made on the holo-emitters. He was proud of his idea, but she knew this was a mistake, if the Captain was as testy as he said. Despite that she worked hard to get this to work, she couldn’t be sure. Harry hadn’t allowed her to test it as he wanted the first time to be a momentous occasion for the captain, but B’Elanna knew he just wanted to show off. She worked on her PADD next to one of the large consoles in Engineering. 

The Captain was already late for their demonstration, B’Elanna hoped that this meant something else had taken up her time. Just as B’Elanna was going to turn to Harry and offer him some comfort for the Captain not showing up, the doors to Engineering hissed open.

Making a beeline straight for B’Elanna the captain says in a short tone, “Sorry I’m late, what do you have?"

B’Elanna felt anger well up inside her, of course the Captain was going to be rude.

Not looking up from her PADD B’Elanna says, “I think we’re about ready to make our first attempt, Captain.” Turning swiftly around towards the middle of Engineering.

“If you’re successful will the Doctor be able to move freely around the ship?” The Captain questioned.

Harry thankfully answered for B’Elanna, “Not exactly.” he begins to explain, “The holo-emitters will be set up in key certain areas, The Bridge, Engineering” smiling with pride “We’ll be able to transfer him to those locations.”

“In the same way we can now transfer him to the Holodeck?” Janeway continued her questioning

B’Elanna answered immediately “Exactly.” in an almost sarcastic tone.

B’Elanna’s anger was beginning to reach a low boil. The Captain would have known this if she had been reading the reports Harry and her wrote about the project. The plan was to have holo-emitters in key areas from the beginning. They had been working on this project for over a week and sending reports daily. 

B’elanna condescended to the most basic of facts about the Doctor, “But if he tries to move into an area where there’s no emitter field, he will dematerialize.”

Harry typing into the console, “I have the holo-projector online. We’re ready to start.”

“Proceed, I don’t have much time.” the captain says in a hurried tone.

“Engineering to Sick Bay” B’Elanna taps her combade “Doctor, we’re ready here.”

The doctor responds over the comm “I'm standing by.”

“Okay, here goes.” B’Elanna inputs the Doctor’s program into the holo bank.

“Initiating transfer.” Harry says with some trepidation. 

The Captain turns to face where the Doctor is to be projected.

“Here he comes.” Harry says boastfully.

The holo-emitters turn on and make a low whirring sound before placing the doctor on the floor. Only, he’s 5 times too small. All three stand in shock. None saying anything until the doctor lets out an annoyed sigh.

“Well this is certainly a brilliant feat of engineering.” He says sarcastically.

The Captain rolls her eyes and turns back to face Harry and B’Elanna. Saying with palpable frustration she barks “What happened?”

B’Elanna’s protective instincts take over when she sees Harry cower and avert his gaze from the captain. 

She blames a hardware aspect in an attempt to avert blame from the younger man, “I’d guess the imaging interface wasn’t properly stabilized.” hoping the Captain doesn’t pick up on her improvised lie. 

The Captain looks away from them clearly agitated. Her shoulders tensed, and she shook her head.

“Just a small oversight.” The ensign stammers. “No pun intended.” he jokes.

The doctor unamused retorts “Very amusing.”

“How long will it take you to correct this,” she griped “small oversight?”

Harry’s face drops back to a more serious demeanour, “Maybe a couple of hours.”

“Mr. Kim, I have to assess our navigational plan and get ready to make contact with an alien species.” She snapped, “I can’t drop everything whenever you call.”

Harry swallowed, B’Elanna realized this had probably been his first time being berated by an officer in front of other crewmen. She shows him an empathetic look.

The comm chirped. “Tuvok to Janeway.” 

The Captain’s focus shifted away from the young man and towards the general direction of the comm. 

“Go ahead.” she swallows her anger. 

“Captain, I would like a half an hour of your time to review the security protocols…”

B’Elanna’s eyes were focused on the Captains back, she wanted badly to reach out and place her hand on the other woman. Reassure her everything would be alright. To tell her she was safe with her if she wanted that from her. She watches as the Captain drops her head, visibly disappointed by whatever Tuvok was telling her. Her focus broken by the Captain’s voice,

“Yes, Mr. Tuvok, somehow I will find half an hour.” she sighed with exhaustion.

“Excuse me, Captain.” The Doctor chirps from the floor. 

The captain turned her gaze downwards at him.

“Would you come down here please.” he asked.

The captain comes towards the Doctor’s small projection and kneels down to get a better conversational view of him.

“Yes?” the Captain says when she finishes kneeling.

The doctor begins asking pointedly “When did you last take shore leave?”

“About two months ago.” The captain responds sharply.

“Ah.” The doctor says knowingly. “How long since you’ve done something pleasurable, for recreation.”

The Engineer turns around to face the warp core, not wanting to hear anymore about the Captain’s problems. She didn’t want to be worrying about her, she didn’t even want to be seeing her. She notes Ensign Harry skulking against the railing of the warp core. 

Approaching him she says, "Hey it's okay, Harry. We'll get it working perfectly in no time."

"Yeah." He mumbles not meeting her gaze. 

"Let's get focused on fixing the problem okay?" She tries to reassure him, "I think I know what the problem is."

She can see a slight smile hit his face, he stands straight and moves back to the console they were working at.

"Yeah then?" He smiles, "Show me."

B'Elanna begins imputing her ideas into the console when the Captain moves back into her view. She was leaving.

"And the two of you can get busy undoing this ridiculous blunder!" The Holographic man shouts from the floor.

Harry and B'Elanna share a humorous look before returning to their work.

Together they attempt to fix the problems that were causing the hologram to be projected incorrectly, but every time they attempted to address it a new problem would crop up. After about half an hour of this Harry leaves to begin his shift on the bridge.

The engineer continues tinkering with the coils. Every time she failed at the task the more enraptured she got into the work. She felt that every change was the tightening on the peg of a violin and testing to hear how well she'd tuned it, but these pegs were slippery. 

"Lieutenant!" The Captain shouts.

B'Elanna snaps back to reality realising that she was needed.

"Aye, Captain?" B'Elanna recites automatically.

"Your little experiment with the holo-emitters must have caused some sort of problem. I've been seeing things from my holonovel all around the ship!" The Captain came into view, she had Ensign Kim in tow.

"How do you mean?" there was no way that could be the cause of anything B'Elanna thought. She had kept her experiments locked to Engineering and Sick Bay there's no way anything outside of those two departments could have been the result of her hologram project. She walks towards the console that controls the holo emitters.

Kathryn walks beside her, "In your experiments with the Doctor, did you access any of the Holodeck programs?" 

The question slightly annoyed B'Elanna again, if she had read the reports they wrote.

"No, we're bypassing the Holodecks." She explains. 

The moment they all had reached where the experiments were taking place Kathryn laid her hands on the holo projector.

"Where did you get this holo projector?" She was looking for a missing piece, to what B'Elanna didn't know.

This time the Ensign spoke up, "We found several of them in storage. We've been reconfiguring them one by one."

B'Elanna noticed then that the Captain hadn't looked as angry as she did earlier in the day, but confused and even a little scared. She felt her heart flutter with worry, and she dug her finger into her palm to silence it.

"So you haven't worked with any of the projectors on the holodecks?" Kathryn asks with more urgency.

"No." B'Elanna answers calmly.

"Is there anything you've done, anything you can think of, that might have caused holographic objects and characters to outside the holodeck?" She paces and turns back towards Harry and B'Elanna. 

Baffled by the idea of it B'Elanna answers questioningly, "Not that I'm aware of."

Kathryn lets out a disappointed sigh and says "I was hoping your experiments would explain it."

She seemed so vulnerable B'Elanna thought. That all she needed was someone to wrap their arms around her and let her forget what had happened to her. Instead the Captain had to grapple with what was affecting her. Leaning against a pillar for support Kathryn looks away.

"Captain, there has to be some reason you're having these delusions. And we're going to figure out what it is." B'Elanna said protectively. 

"The Doctor pointed out that I've been under some stress." The captain turns and shoots B'Elanna with a knowing glance, "I can't ignore that."

B'Elanna sets her jaw. Using every force in her body trying to contain what was burning inside her. She had been ignoring it for so long. Pricking at her ears and filling her with heat, desire. 

The Ensign luckily speaking this time, "I think we should check out the imaging systems on the Holodeck." He says defensively, "There might be a simple malfunction."

"Good idea." Hope returns to Kathryn's eyes.

"We can run the diagnostic from here in Engineering, but you should activate your program first." Hoping to get the Captain out of her presence, before her Klingon half picks up on the growing urge inside her. 

Full of vigor Kathryn says "I'll contact you from the Holodeck" leaving engineering. 

B'Elanna moves to a diagnostic panel and brings up the display for the holodecks. Everything seemed normal in the logs. Energy levels were fine, there were no errors in the program. She didn't want to disbelieve Kathryn, but the Doctor did say she was under a lot of stress.

Stress she could help with, stress she wanted to help with. Her eyes gently closed and she remembered how close she was to feeling what she craves. B'Elanna bites her tongue and the pain brings her back to the diagnostic panel. She can see that the Captain has entered the Holodeck.

The comm chirps "Janeway to Engineering."

"Torres here." B'Elanna's eyes were glued to the screen in front of her. Fighting against her own mind. 

"Have you set up the diagnostic yet?" The captain asked.

"We're ready, Captain." B'Elanna begins the diagnostic. 

Paying attention to everything that she can even though the computer would tell her if anything was unusual. The data helped her mind deafen those thoughts. A screeching hot jealousy scorches through her when she notes the program Kathryn is running, is a romantic one. She watches as the program reacts to Janeway. Realising the program was going to kiss the Captain, B'Elanna acts on impulse and ends the diagnostic prematurely.

She turns on her heel and says "Torres to Janeway." She takes a deep breath to ease her nerves,"We've finished Captain, but we didn't find any malfunctions." 

"Recalibrate, and run it again." The Captain mused, "I'm going to try something else."

She did as she was ordered and found nothing at fault in anything to do with the holographic systems on the ship. She turned around to look for Harry to see if he had caught anything. She found him looking a little forlorn. She snaps her fingers in front of the man's face and he gasps.

"Sorry, Lieutenant!" He puttered "Just a little unfocused there."

"Did you see anything while you were daydreaming." She teases Harry. 

He quickly glances at the console in front of him, "There wasn't anything wrong with the Holodeck." 

"Same on my end as well." B'Elanna pulls on her collar "I think this is a job for the Doctor now, but I'll continue to monitor everything down here. You can report back to the bridge, Ensign."

"Aye, sir." Harry nods.

B'Elanna returns to her console and begins to do a system scan of the decks that the Captain had been on that day. She couldn't explain from an engineering aspect what was happening to Kathryn but she hoped that if there was no answer could give her, maybe the Doctor had one. With nothing else to do with the holo emitters she returns to normal duty monitoring the warp core and running her department. 

Shortly after her combadge chirps, "Chakotay to Torres" 

"Aye, sir?" She responded.

"The Captain's been ordered off duty by the Doctor, so I'll be in charge from here on out." Chakotay explained. 

Her body was filled with dread, and her thoughts began to explode with worry. If the Doctor had to order the Captain to stand down, then something serious was happening. Something that couldn't just be solved with a quick hypospray. Something B'Elanna was helpless to fix. 

"I see. Is she alright?" She needed to know.

"She physically is well, but she's hallucinating. Kes seems to think it's something deeper than that though." 

His response didn't bring her any comfort. In fact it only brought on more questions, more worries. Then a realization dawned on her: if Kes believes it's more than simple hallucinations, then something, or someone was telepathically affecting the Captain. If someone had control over the captain, for how long. Was everything that had happened between them simply been the result of some telepathic entity messing with the Captain's head? 

"I see," the Engineer not wanting to give off any indication of what she was thinking to the Commander, "keep me informed."

"I will. Chakotay out." 

B'Elanna walks towards the console that is directly adjacent to the warp core and returns her thoughts to her job. She views the readouts and levels of all the relevant data and to her great pride everything was running smoothly. Despite everything her department ran smoothly, and most of all her engine was running smoothly. B'Elanna listens to the hum of the engine and closes her eyes. She enters an almost meditative state, and she feels a familiar hand grasp her own. Before she could identify whose it is, she is thrown back into reality by a shock to the ship knocking her off balance. 

Smacking her combadge she shouts, "Bridge, report!"

Ensign Kim responds "We've been attacked by several Botha vessels. Standby for red alert."

B'Elanna braces herself on her console as the ship takes another hit. She watched as the readouts told her that the ship was taking considerable damage to it's shields. She began immediately analyzing the data on the other ships and their weapons. She makes minor adjustments to the antimatter flow of the engines to give the ship a little bit more speed as well. She watched in vain as the weapons were powered up but were ineffective against the other vessels. She turned around and started yelling orders to her crewmen. Most of them had already anticipated her orders and were already carrying them out. Each volley did considerably more damage than the next and with little information on how to react to these ships the shields dropped down to 20%. 

The ship's engines powered down and B'Elanna tried to bring the shields back up. Trying to find any weaknesses in the other ships, she takes note of an energy surge coming from them, she anticipates another weapon attack. She attempts to move power away from life support to the shields but when she calls out to another crewman she gets no response. Looking up from her console she gasps. Everyone in Engineering had a listless look in their eyes and they were all staring into the distance. Many mumbling to themselves. 

B'Elanna walks up to a crewman and she hears them say, "Mom, thank you so much for inviting me for dinner"

The energy surge wasn't a weapon she thought,it was a mind control device.

She taps her combadge, "Torres to the Bridge."

To her shock Kathryn responds, "Janeway here."

B'Elanna walks around Engineering to see if anyone was unaffected. Everyone except her. 

"We're having problems down here Captain, everyone seems delusional."

"Same problems up here on the bridge."

"I think I know why Captain." She walked past her otherwise incapacitated crew members, "There's a huge energy surge coming from the Botha ships. It's bio-electric and psionic"

"A psionic field would have psychoactive effects, that could be what's causing the hallucinations." The Captain says piggy backing off the Engineer's report.

"Remodulating the shields could help,but in the meantime I'm going to set up a resonance burst from the warp core" the Engineer explains "it will possibly disrupt the field, but it'll take awhile to set up."

B'Elanna starts punching in the inputs to begin the buildup of power necessary for the resonance burst. 

"Notify the Doctor, if the field is bio-electric he may have some ideas on how to neutralize it" Janeway commands. 

B'Elanna not stopping her fingers from typing in commands she shouts out, "Engineering to Sick Bay!"

"Ah, yes, what is it Lieutenant." The doctor responds in his usual dry tone.

"Listen Doctor the ship is being attacked by ships that are using some sort of psionic field to control the crew" she exasperatedly explains, "I'm sending over the data to you now. If you have any ideas, tell me. Otherwise I'll be working on this resonance burst."

The doctor defers to her orders, "Aye Lieutenant,I'll be in touch."

The Engineer scrambles around the department. As she was getting no response from anyone she had to do every little task herself. Which meant running between duty stations to divert power, monitor the other ships, and keep an eye on the core. Watching the readout on the other ships she detects a drop in power in the psionic field. The sort of drop in power if someone was transported over. As far she knew though, nobody in this quadrant had that kind of technology.

As she's nearing completion on the power build up for the pulse the doors open and the Captain enters. 

"Have you figured out anything?" She asks.

"Aye Captain, I saw that the psionic field dropped power." B'Elanna continues to work, "Were there any indications that the alien ship moved anyone aboard."

"I don't know." Kathryn taps her combadge, "Janeway to the Bridge."

Not getting a response she taps the combadge again. "Janeway to the Bridge please respond." 

Fear reaching both of their faces.

"Janeway to anybody aboard the ship, respond."

The silence hung in the air. Torres turned to face the Captain who had paced behind her.

"We could be the last people aboard this ship." The captain whimpers. 

B'Elanna's breathing gets shaky as her body reacts to the fear that's fast approaching. 

She looks at Janeway and matches her gaze, "What do we do now?"

The captain responds quickly, "We take an escape pod. We leave."

Confused, B'Elanna breaks her gaze with the Captain, "What would we do?"

"We could try to get some help, there's an M class planet not so far from here and we--"

The Engineer cuts her off "No, I need to focus on the resonance burst." B'Elanna turns around back to the console and begins inputting commands to begin the pulse. Something doesn't seem right, why would the Captain be so quick to abandon the crew? 

"Do I have to give you an order, B'Elanna?" The Captain hissed.

"I can't believe you're saying this!" B'Elanna yelled back, "I can't believe you'd do this to the crew."

Kathryn moved quickly and grabbed B'Elanna by the forearms and turned the Engineer to face her.

Her blue eyes penetrated into B'Elanna's and she whimpered, "I want you with me."

The Captain held her close, her arms found their way around the Engineer's back. Holding B'Elanna in an embrace that lit the fire inside the half Klingon's belly. The emergency had faded from her mind and her animal impulses began taking over. B'Elanna shook her head and in her vision she saw the other affected crew members.

"You aren't the Captain"

"I'm the Captain you want me to be." Janeway's hands moving to hold B'Elanna's face, leaning closer she whispers, "Isn't this what you want?"

B'Elanna's logical side was telling her this was all wrong, that this isn't real, but the desire inside her was roaring. The Captain's lips were millimeters away from her own. Her heart quickened in her chest, as one of the Captain's hands fell to B'Elanna's hip and rested there. Whatever it was, drew her in, and she felt all of her defenses fall.

"The Captain who wants you."

Their lips met, and B'Elanna gave in.

-

B'Elanna gasps awake, finding herself sitting on the floor of Engineering. She watched in a daze as other crewmen came back as well. She sat still as they shook the confusion off and tried to take in their surroundings just as she was. She turns to see Kes approaching her. The small blonde woman helps her up.

Groaning in discomfort as she stands B'Elanna asks, "What happened?" 

Breathless Kes answers, "It's a long story, but I think everything's okay now" 

B'Elanna turns her head instinctively to look at her warp core, as she does she notes a body on the floor. It was an alien in some sort of greyish blue jumpsuit. He looked weak. 

"Is this who's responsible for all this." B'Elanna spits.

"Apparently." Kes responds calmly, "He seems so harmless. It's hard to believe it almost destroyed us."

That's exactly how it looked to B'Elanna, harmless. She felt an intense visceral disgust built up inside her. How could a creature so weak hold such a powerful hold over her. She watched as it gasped for air. Not trusting it, she turns and grabs the phaser that is behind the console next to her. Pointing it at the alien. If she were on a Masquis ship, she would kill the thing where it lay, but she wasn't on a Masquis ship anymore. She kept the phaser trained on the alien as it sat up and looked at Kes.

"You're a powerful little thing." It wallowed. "I must say, you surprised me."

B'Elanna heard the doors behind her open. The Captain quickly came into her periphery. Her mind filled itself with visions of what she just experienced. Images of what they did together in her mind, in her fantasy. She kept her eyes and the phaser pointed at the alien, she watched as it talked with Janeway.

"...you see I'm not really here." The alien vanishes.

Leaving unanswered questions. For everyone on board

-

B'Elanna entered the mess hall, it had been several days since the incident with the telepathic alien. The crew had mostly gone back to normal and repairs to the ship were already completed. She looks around the mess hall and sees the Captain sitting alone. Looking out into the stars. It was familiar, except this time the lights were on and the mess hall had their crewmen in it.

Approaching the Captain, B'Elanna says, "I'm surprised to see you here, Captain." she notes, "Isn't this the day you're usually in the holodeck with your novel?"

She sat down adjacent to the Captain, facing her.

Kathryn's gaze followed her until she sat down. Smiling, she said, "I thought after our last experience, I thought that I'd take a break from fantasy for awhile."

B'Elanna, still not able to find her comfort around the captain, sat straight at the edge of her seat. Not minding the Captain's eyes on her.

The Lieutenant breathed in, and sighed, "I don't blame you. I think…" she broke their gaze, "it had an impact on all of us."

Despite looking away she found her gaze right back in the direction of the other woman, and she nearly blushed. Being reminded of what the alien cooked up for her. They exchanged a glance.

B'Elanna leaned forward. Leaning against her hands. She whispered, "Do you think it's true? That the alien was reading our minds." Her eyes looked deeply into the pale blue eyes of her Captain, "That he was creating images from our own experiences?"

Kathryn moved slightly to put her beverage on the small table between them, whispering back, "It seemed that way." 

She leaned closer, her eyes looking for something in B'Elanna's, "He has an uncanny ability to…" Kathryn's eyes darted to B'Elanna's lips, then back up to her eyes,"bring buried thoughts out into the open."

B'Elanna felt the Captain's eyes searching for more. Trying to tell her something.

Kathryn whispered, "Why?"

B'Elanna's eyes were wide open, "Oh it's just…" she looked away, "I experienced something…" looking back up at her, "I'd rather not admit."

The Captain gently placed her hand on B'Elanna's thigh, "I know." She smiled, "Me too."

She was shocked, she looked around remembering that there were other people in the mess hall. She found herself looking into the Captain's eyes. She felt as the other woman rubbed her thumb slightly against her thigh. 

Janeway leaned back and moved her hand away from B'Elanna, and spoke again, "But in a way…" she broke her gaze with B'Elanna, "maybe he did us all a favor. Maybe it's better to…"

The Captain pauses and slowly shakes her head, "...to look those feelings in the eye, than to keep them locked up inside" her gaze locked on B'Elanna's. 

B'Elanna yearned to wrap her in an embrace right there. She wanted so many things. Instead she shook her head.

With a slight laugh she whispered "I guess, I'll have to think about that."

She took one last look at the Captain, looking into those eyes. B'Elanna wanted to invite her to her quarters. Let the night take them where they both wanted it to go, but B'Elanna knew better.

She inhaled, "Well, I have an early watch tomorrow, I'd better turn in." 

She began to stand up. Her chest was tight, but she overcame it.

"Goodnight, Captain." B'Elanna smiled. 

"Goodnight B'Elanna." Janeway responded.

B'Elanna took a few steps towards the exit.

"Sweet Dreams." Kathryn purred. 

The hairs on B'Elanna's arms stood up. She turned to face the Captain. Who was already staring back at the stars.

"Thanks." The Engineer called back.

The Captain turned to look at her. They shared another glance. Both wanting more, both wanting each other to make the first move. 

"You too." The half klingon nods, before turning and leaving the Captain to her stars. To her thoughts.

Leaving herself to her thoughts.


	7. Wanting looks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this shirt chapter! The next one will be a lot meatier.

Kathryn was back to her old self. After their encounter with the Botha nothing significant had happened since. She was beginning to relax, the edgy feeling she had for the past few weeks had vanished. Going as far as to apologize to Ensign Kim for snapping at him in Engineering. The ship was running smoothly, and Kathryn found herself with plenty of free time. Taking to reading a novel in the mess hall rather than going to the Holodeck, she wasn't going to go back to the Holodeck alone for a long time. She understood logically that there was nothing wrong with it, but she was still afraid. Afraid of illusions, she wanted reality. During some shifts she would visit other departments and just chat with her crewmen, but every time she went to Engineering, the woman she really wanted to talk to was busy. 

Oftentimes when she came, the Engineer was in view as she spoke with another officer, using the opportunity to watch her. She noted how Torres would mumble the data she inputted, the way she smiled when looking at the warp engine. B'Elanna would sometimes catch her gaze, and bite her lower lip. Looking at her through her eyelashes. This took the Captain off her balance, forcing her to focus on whatever whoever was talking to her was saying, which was never as enticing.

Tired of these games, of the back and forth, the Captain looked when the Lieutenant was ending a shift and scheduled a walk in the decks surrounding Engineering. She caught B'Elanna just as she was leaving Engineering. The half Klingon wasn't startled at all, it was almost as if she was expecting this.

"Ah, B'Elanna, care to join me for a walk?" she casually asks.

The Engineer blushes and darts her eyes around playfully, "I wouldn't mind that." 

They walked in silence for a few moments before the Captain took a deep breath and said, "I have some spare replicator rations," looking straight ahead towards the end of the corridor, "if you wanted to have dinner tonight."

B'Elanna smiles and turns her head, "I think I would, in fact I'm famished."

"Well then, Lieutenant…" the Captain beams "it's a date."

They made chit chat on the way to Kathryn's quarter, about their respective work days. It was soft, comfortable, and the journey seemed to end just as it started.

Janeway pressed her finger to the button outside the door and it hissed open,the lights were off and the darkness beckoned to her. Before she knew it she was being pushed inside by the other woman. She found herself pressed gently against the wall just inside the room. The door closed behind them. The Lieutenant's hands were around her sides and their body's met. Kathryn's hands moved to hold B'Elanna's face. She locked eyes with her and leaned in towards those soft lips she's been watching these past days. She feels her lips on hers, and for a moment it's all she can feel, all she wants to feel. B'Elanna's hands moved down to squeeze the Captain's hips, doing so she also moved her head away breaking their kiss. She could feel the other woman's desire for her as her neck moistoned from a kiss. 

Her breath hitched she whimpers, "Oh B'Elanna, I…" she pauses. 

"I can't…" she gently pushes herself out of the other woman's embrace. Turning her back to her. 

"What is it?" B'Elanna's hand gently grabbed her shoulder from behind.

The Captain grabs her hand and turns around, kissing it when she faces B'Elanna. 

"Considering our recent…" the Captain cracks a half smile "first contact. I think I want to take things a little slow."

She watches as the Engineer's face softens from one of desire to one of kindness and understanding. 

"Of course." B'Elanna smiled. 

The Captain let go of her hand and sat down at her dining table. 

"Would you replicate something for dinner?" She smiled "You can use my credits."

B'Elanna smiled back and nodded "Sure, Captain. Anything for you."

Kathryn watched as B'Elanna moved to the end of the room and stood by the replicator. 

"Computer, two servings of Hasperat."


	8. Kathryn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter took so long to come out! I've been dealing with a migraine! I hope you enjoy it.

B'Elanna watched as the wraps materialised in front of her. They smelt slightly of brine, and spice.

She heard the Captain behind her, "What is," she paused "Hasperat? Did I say that correctly?" 

A smile creeps to her lips, “It’s a Bajoran dish.” she turns and walks back to the table placing the plates down, “It was a common meal in the Masquis, Captain."

Taking her seat, she looks back towards Kathryn, who was giving her a soft look.

“You don’t have to call me Captain, we’re in private you know.” she smiles.

A jolt hit B’Elanna square in the chest, it was a level of intimacy she wasn't sure she was ready for. Calling the Captain by her name. She found it funny, she was so ready to ravage this woman only moments ago, but she couldn’t say her name. She felt very small compared to the other woman, so very immature.

“I’m sorry, Captain,” she stammered, “I mean--”

“That’s alright B’Elanna.” Kathryn laughed.

Her unease released when she saw Janeway laugh, the way her eyes sparkled, her smile was infectious, intoxicating. She wanted to see that smile every day, she wanted to see it as home. She found herself smiling in response. 

B’Elanna took a bite of her Hasperat. It was rather bland in her taste, but as the Captain took her first bite her face turned beet red.

She yelped out, “You didn’t tell me how spicy it was!” 

B’Elanna laughed, and relaxed, becoming more comfortable around the other woman. They enjoyed a quick dinner together, not talking much. Speaking mostly about their work day. When dinner was over they moved to the couch, and sat close, but they weren’t touching.

B'Elanna turned to face the Captain. Kathryn looked a little distant, but she was still smiling. 

B'Elanna felt a slight edge return and she chewed her bottom lip before asking, "Why didn't you come after me?"

The Captain seemed to snap back into focus and she retorted, "What?"

B'Elanna sighs, "That night in the mess hall. Why didn't you come after me?" 

"I was afraid." Was the whispered answer she got back. The Captain's cold blue eyes yearned towards the Engineer.

B'Elanna felt that edge turn into potent courage. Without a thought she leaned inward grabbing the Captain by her shoulders and pushing her down onto her back, laying a rough kiss on her neck. She heard Kathryn let out a pleasurable coo. She felt the other woman's hands sliding around her bringing her into an embrace. Her lips trailed upwards from Kathryn's neck, lightly across her jaw before passionately meeting lips. Their tongues danced against each other before, their breathing getting laboured. B'Elanna felt a heat rise inside her, she felt uncontrolled. 

She felt a sudden jolt of guilt, immediately pulling away from the Captain, and averting her gaze. 

"I'm sorry, Captain." She said with a heavy breath. She contemplated standing back up, but thought it would be too rude.

"What for," she purred, "Lieutenant?"

She felt herself melt, but she was strong and she straightened herself up and looked back at the Captain. 

"You wanted to take things slow, and I…" she blushed, "...let my urges get the better of me." 

“It wasn’t all you B’Elanna.” Janeway concedes, “I let it happen.”

The Captain sits up and fixes her hair, clearing her throat she smiles at B'Elanna. They sat in silence for a few moments, neither knowing how to bring the mood back to normalcy. 

Eventually the Captain spoke, “So, B’Elanna. Tell me about the first time you had...Has- What’s it called again?”

“Hasperat, Captain.” The Engineer was stiff. “I had just joined up, and a man showed it to me.”

She felt as Kathryn’s warm hand grasped her own. The stiffness in her body melted away, and she felt safe, in control.

“I never learned his name, he was an older man.” she continued, “We talked about why I joined the Masquis, he gave me a lot of good advice.”

B’Elanna looked away, shaking her head softly. She whispered, “He went out on patrol that night, and never came back.” 

She remembered the way the man smiled at her as he left. She never had the courage to ask anyone what his name was, she didn’t want to seem sensitive, or weak. She still thought about the things he said to her, they followed her as a reminder of why she fought. With Kathryn. It was different. There weren’t any feelings of courage, or bravery, instead she was filled with calm. She just wasn’t ready to be fully open with Kathryn, it was too much.

B’Elanna felt the Captain squeeze gently, “I know it’s hard. I’ve lost people like that too.” 

"You have?" 

"I lost a lot of people I cared about to The Borg." She lowered her voice, "They were so cold about it. It was simply a task to them, to destroy lives."

"And to taint the lives of those who watched." B'Elanna added. 

The Captain nodded.

She felt understood by the Captain. Maybe her initial misjudgement was truly unfair. This woman had suffered too, and was clearly suffering before. She thought, maybe she could warm up to her eventually, let her in. She was gonna be stuck here with her for the foreseeable future, in fact, maybe even the rest of her life.

“Captain, may I ask you a question?”

“B’Elanna it’s fine. You don’t have to call me Captain, remember?”, Kathryn smiled again.

B’Elanna blushed, she looked up toward the ceiling and took a deep breath. “Capta- I mean, Kathryn, what do you want from me, from us?”

“I…” The words had obviously shocked Kathryn.

Kathryn put her free hand on B'Elanna's thigh, "I just want to be with you, around you."

She felt a wave crash into her chest. It had taken the wind out of her. She had almost wished that The Captain only wanted her sexually so she didn't have to face being in a relationship with someone. She was always told she was too soft for Klingons and too rough for humans, but this woman wanted her, wanted to be with her. Janeway wasn't afraid of her.

B'Elanna looked into the Captain's eyes. Suddenly she felt that she was very close to Kathryn. She could take in the way she smelled, gently sweet. Not having noticed it before, she was too focused on other things.

"I want that too." She responded softly.

"I'm glad." She smiled.

The Captain moved the hand that was on B'Elanna's thigh to gently caress the Engineer's cheek. The touch brought B'Elanna's heart into a flutter. Looking up she caught Kathryn's gaze and her heart soared. She regretted not realising that she could have this earlier. That someone could simply want to be with her, and wasn't simply looking to get into her pants.

"Captain…" she whispered.

"I want to know you, I want to see things you do in private. The little things that are wholly you."

B'Elanna turned her head and gently kissed the Captain's hand. Kathryn smiles and slowly lowered her hand, placing it back on B'Elanna's thigh.

"I want that too, I think." She admitted. 

"Well then, B'Elanna, what makes you happy?" The Captain asks with a smile. 

"Your warp core." B'Elanna wisecracks.

They share in laughter. The Captain looked beautiful when she laughed, and all B'Elanna wanted was to see that face every day. She never wanted to be away from her. 

"I'm sure you'll find that there's more to me than my…" The Captain giggled, "...assets."

They laughed harder, leaning into each other for support as it became painful. The mood had certainly lightened B'Elanna thought. She was happy, and very content with her decision to agree to dinner. B'Elanna felt how close she was to the Captain, she felt a heat rise in her chest. She wanted Kathryn, she wanted what she couldn't have, yet. 

"Well, Captain, I think it's getting rather late." B'Elanna said in a casual tone. 

Kathryn looked a little disappointed but she nodded and said, "Indeed."

B'Elanna stood up and straightened out her uniform. Making sure there were no signs of anything other than order, especially when leaving the Captains quarters. She looked down at Kathryn who was also beginning to stand up. 

"It's Kathryn, by the way." She smiled, "Again."

"It'll take me awhile to get used to saying that, cap-" B'Elanna caught herself, "I mean Kathryn."

Janeway grinned and stepped closer to her. A rush of nervousness washed over B'Elanna. She never knew how to end these sort of evenings, what was to be expected, especially from humans, always seemed to be a mystery to her. Despite being half human herself she didn't feel like she was. She extended her hand for a handshake. 

She watched as the Captain ignored her hand and stepped closer. The Captain's hands moved to gently caress B'Elanna's face. As if she was under a spell, B'Elanna tilted her head and closed her eyes. Their lips connected, and her hands moved to embrace Kathryn. This kiss felt different, more controlled and deliberate. Their tongues flirted with more, but they both broke off from each other slowly. 

"Goodnight B'Elanna." The Captain said.

"Goodnight Kathryn."


	9. The cliffs edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: this chapter gets a little erotic but nothing too nsfw!

Kathryn had been spending the last few weeks with her Chief Engineer, finding reasons to have her come to her ready room, or just showing up at her door in the night. She could tell B’Elanna was getting frustrated, the Captain had kept to her word and had been taking things slow, real slow. On a few occasions things got heavy, and intense between them, but she'd always quickly put a stop to it. Usually ending their evenings together, leaving a mild disappointment in the air between them.

She was holding back, because she still thought herself to be engaged to Mark. Anytime she was alone she thought about her future. On many days she was optimistic that Voyager would make its way safely back to the Alpha quadrant, perhaps even soon. On others she thought of the very real possibility that she could never see Earth ever again. In a very dangerous area of space, not only were the Kazon constantly hunting down Voyager, but the Vidiians were becoming more and more like a very real boogeyman. They could be more likely to be used as an organ farm than to make it back home. They could be wasting their entire lives on a meaningless journey that ends in nothing but despair. These thoughts consumed her. When she was alone they terrified her, but increasingly more she didn't spend her time alone. She spent it in the arms of another woman, and her thoughts would fade away. B'Elanna was doing more to ease her worries about the future than thinking of a future with Mark. She wanted to let her in.

When Voyager first got lost in the Delta Quadrant the thoughts that kept her happy were her recent engagement to Mark, and their future together. She had hoped to one day start a family with him, but now those thoughts filled her with doubt. She wondered if holding onto the idea of Mark was holding her back from a happier future. All her mind did when she was idle was obsess over her anxieties towards her desire for B'Elanna, and recently that's all there was, idleness and desire.

She was sitting in her command chair, waiting for something to happen, anything. Something to take her attention away from her private life. She looks at her command console, trying to see if anything was showing up on sensors that someone could be missing, but there was nothing of note on the display. Not even a minor subspace fluctuation. Everything was absolutely normal which only made her feel half awake.

Everyone seems sluggish and tired today, she even heard Ensign Kim yawn. She was growing restless herself, so she stood up and fixed her uniform. Looking around the bridge everyone seemed slightly listless and she felt the urge to do something else. 

“I’m going to take a walk.” She sighs, rubbing her temples. 

Tuvok, the only person who seemed alive on the bridge responded, “Aye Captain.” 

She quickly exited the bridge and stood in the turbo lift. She pondered for a moment where she should go. Deck 11 was her favorite of course, that’s where the warp core was, and in turn B’Elanna. Instead she chose to visit the Doctor.

“Deck 5.”

She made her way into sickbay, where Kes and the Doctor were talking about the different types of sutures that he uses in surgery. She was so enraptured by what he was saying. They didn’t notice the Captain’s appearance in Sick Bay. She cleared her throat.

“Ah! Captain,” The Doctor turned to face the Captain. “I didn’t see you there. What brings you down here?”

Kes only smiled at Kathryn, something like that would usually put her at ease, but Kes seemed too innocent to have an ulterior motive. 

“I just wanted to see what was going on down here.” She responded.

“Nothing happening on the bridge?” The Doctor said in his usual brusk tone.

“You would be right there, Doctor.” she smiled.

“Well Captain, if you must know,” He began, “I was instructing Kes on the different methods of surgery, we were just discussing suturing techniques.” 

Kes spoke up, “I find it very interesting.”

Kathryn found it a bit odd, she was never too keen on the finer details of the medical field. She shifted on her feet. 

“I apologize for the interruption Doctor.” The Captain turns to leave.

"No stay, it's quite alright." Kes beamed.

Kathryn stayed and listened to the Doctor as he spoke about the development of surgical techniques in human history. Using the opportunity to boast about how large his area of expertise really is. This caused him to go off on a tangent about how he was probably also the best forensic investigator on the ship, as he had the widest knowledge of the forensic sciences. Considering he is a computer program this rarely seemed impressive to her. She was thinking of excuses to leave when her combadge chirps.

"Ensign Kim to Captain Janeway"

"Yes Ensign? What is it?" She responded. 

"I'm getting some unusual readings I thought you'd like to check out."

She grinned, finally something to do that wasn't sitting on the bridge or listening to the ego of a doctor made of light. She said her goodbyes to Kes and the Doctor before making her way to the bridge. When she got there, Harry's face fell and he looked away. 

"What is it, Ensign?" She asked him as she made her way to his console. 

He looked back up at her with a slight hint of embarrassment, and stammered, "I'm sorry Captain, I had misaligned the sensors. I was just about to tell you it was a false alarm."

She sighed, and lost all the excitement inside her. She returned to her command chair since she was back on the bridge it would seem odd to keep leaving her duty station. The rest of her shift was another slog through the familiar monotony of the past weeks. When her shift ended she went immediately to her quarters, as she wanted some time alone to think and to hopefully not give into her drive. She had barely settled in before her door chimed. 

"Enter." 

The door hissed open and B'Elanna entered. It wasn't uncommon for her to show up unannounced, especially when Kathryn's shift ended, but something felt different. The engineer wasn't smiling, she was scowling. Before she could ask what was wrong the B'Elanna began ranting. 

"I swear that Starfleet fool is going to drive me to my wit's end." B'Elanna paced as if she didn't notice Kathryn. "I would kill him if I was allowed. I would gladly take honor in being Lieutenant Carey's demise."

Kathryn tried to speak but the half-Klingon interrupted her.

"I'm twice the engineer he is, and I have more real world experience with less than ideal circumstances." She seethed. 

Kathryn decided to B'Elanna finish. She knew trying to calm her down at this point was a fruitless effort. She watched as B'Elanna clenched her fists and huffed. 

"He's smug and rude. I can never make headway with him. One day he's fine the next he's toeing the line trying to get me to hit him. I'm going to one of these days. I need to blow off some steam." B'Elanna growled. 

The Captain waited a few moments before approaching the other woman realizing her rant was done. She wrapped her arms around the Engineer letting the tension ease away. After a few seconds of stiffness B'Elanna's hands were around Kathryn's body as well. She inhaled and took in the sweet scent of B'Elanna's skin, her mind filled with images of them in bed. 

B'Elanna sighed with content, and whispered, "Thank you."

Kathryn was filled with warmth, a happiness she had grown accustomed to feeling around B'Elanna. A feeling that used to be reserved for Mark. She didn't want to think about him but she was, and that warmth curdles into unease. She lets go of the Engineer and steps back slightly, running her hands along the golden shoulders of B'Elanna's uniform to quickly rub the sides of her arms. She had made the moment awkward and the room felt frigid. 

"Kate…" B'Elanna whispered. 

They had grown comfortable enough to not feel on guard when they called each other by nicknames, but not enough to confront what was holding them back, what was holding Kathryn back. Stopping them from experiencing true closeness. 

"It's Mark, isn't it?" B'Elanna turned away from Kathryn. 

The penny had dropped, and Kathryn was filled with fearful stillness. A lump formed in her throat.

"B'Elanna I…" she struggled to get the words out.

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep showing up here, and hoping you'll see me for something more." B'Elanna said, cutting through Kathryn's murmurs. "I want more. I want you."

Those words brought desire inside Kathryn like a match to gasoline. She wanted it too, she wanted to give in. If the Engineer hadn't turned away from her, if she had been looking at her she knew her defenses would have fallen. She wanted to let half-Klingon have what they both craved. She wanted to give in to the beauty and power of the other woman. 

"You've already kissed me, you've touched me, we've come this close to tearing each other's clothes off, and yet you hold yourself back." B'Elanna continued, "You've already broken your promise."

She was right, she had been unfaithful to Mark. She'd convinced herself that she wasn't because she hadn't let B'Elanna into her bedroom, but she'd been opening her heart to her. Kathryn's heart was racing as she felt herself be overcome with desire after her mind conceded to the truth. Her arm extended and she grabbed B'Elanna's shoulder. The half-Klingon turned and faced Kathryn, her face bloomed with heat when their eyes met. This was the moment she would usually close her eyes and nip it in the bud, but she didn't. Not this time.

There was a breathless silence between them before a sudden inhale where they both moved toward each other. B'Elanna let out a noise that was almost a growl before their lips met, and their bodies collided. Their hands exploring each other's body over their uniforms. Kathryn's blood coursed inside her as her hands found the zipper to B'Elanna's uniform jacket. Before she could bring her hand down to unzip she noticed her own being pulled off of her. Kathryn pulled back and took her jacket off herself before tossing it to the ground. She took the other woman's hand and led her bed. She was mesmerized by the other woman's body as she took off her uniform. She felt her lower abdomen fill with a pulsating need and she quickly removed her own clothes and loosened her hair which fell softly onto her skin. They both looked at each other, both wanting to remember this moment. Kathryn took B'Elanna's hand and brought it to her chest. 

She whispered, "Please."

She was pulled off the edge, into depths of pleasure she didn't know she could achieve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello i am gay .


End file.
